Sweet Disaster.

heres to getting stronger in 2023

My Love,

I’m writing this because I don’t know how to tell you and because I’m afraid of the reaction you will give me or of what you might think towards me.

This is 2.27 a.m., the 4th of January, 2023. You cross my mind, come to my dream; I can’t sleep and feel emotional. As this is the first day of my period, this is a common yet drained feeling that I have always experienced in my whole life. At this moment, I started feeling deeply, and I feel you. I choose to embrace the Love and let it run through me. The tears come down, combined with the warmth. I take a deep breath and stop for a moment, realizing that I love you that deeply.

Happy New Year, my darling.

I want to say that I am so sorry that you met me. I am an emotionally stubborn psychopath with that bad temper and attitude that always cries and annoys you. I don’t know why I have to feel and experience such a fluctuating emotion that significantly changes, and it just always gets worse when it comes to my period. I know I am an adult, and it is my full responsibility to manage my emotions, but sometimes I find it hard to address them adequately; yesterday, I was so angry, then I was sad, and now I just cannot stop crying. I am not going to use this woman’s symptom as a reason for you to compromise my unpleasant behaviour. But I always put effort to get better and I want you to know that I have a whole lot of Love for you, and no matter what happens, I do love you.

I know you might have heavy things to carry on your shoulder, to think about quietly; you might be in a war you need to fight for. And I am afraid that my existence would just mess it up. I never meant to do bad things to you. But I can’t resist saying that I am hard to understand. Yes, I blocked you that day. Not gonna lie; at that time, I was disappointed by your answer – related to our closest-best-friend marriage. But actually, I was triggered by the idea that ’if you don’t want to communicate, then just don’t. see you next year’, and just a split second later, I was like, ’okay, I don’t want to talk to you’ and I distanced myself so I would not make the situation worse due to my uncontrolled emotions, and I blocked you. I was feeding my ego, which led me to ask myself, “what the fuck are you doing, idiot?’ I started crying and missing you. Furthermore, I fully understand that you’ve got enough, and you might cant handle more.

I thought that no one would ever compromise my impulsive action. That I do not deserve every one. That no one would ever make it to have a partner like me. I am just like an exploded boom, and tbh I don’t want people to understand that. Neither do you. But if I have to ask, I just want to be accompanied; throughout my journey, I promise to improve and work things out. Please appreciate the way I bloom. I have some coping mechanisms, but processing them takes time. I know you might feel exhausted, tired, or give up on me. I am so sorry… I don’t know what I’m trying to say, but I hope you see the point that I’m willing to tell you about.

The reality is, none of us is easy to be with. Particularly, my own self with all of these chaotic things about me. Once again, I am so sorry for making you experience this uncomfortable and irritating situation over and over again. I am sorry you have to love me with all of this inconvenience.  I will make it out of this. I promise you I will. I am still getting used to it and finding our best harmony to grow together in the rhythm.  

Now it is 3.14 a.m., and I’m still crying; you know I’m bad at texting, sometimes I don’t know what to say, and I don’t know what to do. Writing it down is the best way. Please do not reply; I’m so afraid you might be angry or leave me because I always frustrate you. I am so sorry that I am making you feel that way. Please promise me that you will never forget this thing:

I love you,

and

No matter the situation, I never give up on you

I choose you, choose to walk the path of life together

But if life becomes too hard for you as my partner,

I have no right to make you stay

I will give you this letter this morning, and please do not give any reply or reaction; just please come here soon. I don’t know, and I am not ready for the conversation you will bring to the table by text because I don’t know what to say just please come here soon…

I miss you, my whole world.

As this is a new start of the year, I ask for an apology and wish the best for both of us.

Anyway, lets rock this fucking year!

tons of love and tears,

Larasati S